Parenting: It’s a Lifting Game
Like everyone else this past summer during the pandemic, bored and frustrated at the lack of options to socialize, exercise and do just about anything resembling something normal, I took up the only hobby deemed “totally safe” by the CDC: Tennis.
In fact, my entire family took up, or returned to, tennis. Except for the baby, although, truth be told, she spent many an afternoon at someone’s lesson running around picking up loose tennis balls and having the time of her life. #buythemnothing
Our summer included a lot of tennis, and a lot of parenting. No camp meant long days with all five kids (then aged 14-1) which also meant managing tantrums, attitudes, needs, wants and desires that ranged a 13 year age gap. It was intense. But everyone loved tennis. I was the last to get on board with it (my Uranus in Sagittarius in the 1st house makes me hesitate to be a follower in any regard) but I folded and eventually joined in.
Our summer included a lot of parenting… which meant managing tantrums, attitudes, needs, wants and desires that ranged a 13 year age gap.
Surprisingly though, I quickly came to enjoy it, but for some reasons I really never expected.
My tennis coach constantly says, “Tennis is a lifting game: low to high, and follow through.”
The insane amount of parenting advice I can take from that one tidbit of coaching, is incredible.
My tennis coach constantly says, “Tennis is a lifting game: low to high and follow through.” The insane amount of parenting advice I can take form that one tidbit of coaching, is incredible.
I’ve read my fair share of parenting books: Last Child in the Woods, Negotiation Generation, Nurture Shock, No Drama Discipline, Happiest Baby on the Block, The Whole Brain Child, Bringing Up Bebe… Well, a LOT of books. All of them, in one way or another, try to answer the trickiest question that every new parent asks of every veteran parent they know: “What’s the hardest part about parenting and how do I circumvent it?”
As if.
But earnestly, these books address and try to solve, the most common themes parents struggle with: lack of sleep, loss of self, sacrifice, not knowing the answers, balance of technology and nature, fear of making a mistake, and so on.
My husband and I together are just now 15 years into the parenting experience, and if you asked us, our answer would be the same thing my tennis coach reminds me over and over on the court: lifting low to high, and following through.
I’ve read my fair share of parenting books… [they all try] to address and solve the most common themes parents struggle with: lack of sleep, loss of self, sacrifice, not knowing the answers, balance of technology, and so on.
Parenting is a lifting game. You are constantly fielding things you’re not ready for, trying to gauge how fast they’re coming at you, how to respond and react in the moment, getting in underneath them before it’s too late and you’ve missed the opportunity, meeting them at just the right angle and sending them back into the world up and over the net, not smashed down into the ground or tangled up in a confusion of cord.
And how do you do that? You connect on their level (compassion and empathy), you raise them up (support, resource and guidance) and you follow through (creating and enforcing boundaries).
My husband and I together are just now 15 year into the parenting experience, and if you asked us, our answer would be the same thing my tennis coach reminds me over and over on the court: lifting low to high, and following through.
Simple, right? Well… here’s the thing:
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again and again and again: it is *always* easier to be a lazy parent. And the hardest part, like I said, is following through. And following through means sticking to your boundaries. Enforcing your values and holding your standards.
How do you do that? You connect on their level (compassion and empathy), you raise them up (support, resource and guidance) and you follow through (creating and enforcing boundaries).
It’s always easier to go back on your boundaries. To not be consistent and let them “have their way.” To see them feeling frustrated or upset and not fully engage. To not actually leave the birthday party because they’re being disrespectful and unkind, even though you said you were going to (maybe more than once). It’s always easier to not enforce boundaries, or heck, maybe not even set them… but it can blow your game in the long run (we have a teen and a pre-teen, trust me). Plus, it’s a bad habit.
Whether it’s sleep training, potty training, behavior modification, working on sibling dynamics, manners, hygiene, respect, independence, responsibility-building or organizational skills, without the follow through, you won’t see much of a change without that persistence. Even if you can meet them where they’re at (compassion and connection) and lift them up (support, resource and guidance) you won’t get far without that follow through; just like in tennis, you can do it all right and if you miss that last part, you’re way off course.
Follow through comes from knowing limits and teaching them to your children. It’s not about punishment or consequence really; it’s about connection, compassion and understanding when it’s time to reign it in.
Follow through comes from knowing limits and teaching them to your children. It’s not about punishment or consequence really; it’s about connection, compassion and understanding when it’s time to reign it in.
One of the biggest shifts I saw as a parent was to acknowledge my children’s outbursts or meltdowns as a signal they were sending to me that they were overwhelmed and couldn’t identify their own limits, and needed me to give them those boundaries… to bring them into a place of control and safety. Even if they would struggle against that safety and control the whole way, it’s what they need and what they’re asking for.
Parenting feels hard, because it is hard. It has moments of glory, moments of pure beauty, but it’s mostly a challenge, especially during the younger years. But that’s why it is so worth the effort; because there is direct correlation.
All of our kids are immensely different. And while I think we have always been pretty good about meeting them at their level, finding ways to encourage, inspire or motivate them as need be, with each of them, the hardest part of parenting them has been following through. Sticking to and enforcing our boundaries. Because it hurts, because it’s hard. Because in the moment, it feels uncomfortable, perhaps unnatural. But it makes all the difference.
Parenting feels hard because it is hard. It has moments of glory, moments of pure beauty, but it’s mostly a challenge, especially in the younger years. But that’s why it is so worth the effort; because there is direct correlation.
It is *always* easier to be the lazy parent. So every time you follow through, know you are choosing to do the hard work and showing up for your children in the best way you possibly can.
How do you find setting and enforcing boundaries for your kids? I’d love to hear what works for you!
xo
Rebecca
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